Assholes at the Wheel...
Not ten minutes go by in my daily commute in New York City where some shit-head doesn't manage to be rude, obnoxious, abusive, overly aggressive or dangerously inattentive. Driving in this city has turned from a mere challenge into a garish video game with real and deadly consequences. The following is a diary of just some of the encounters with people who close their car door and turn from mild- mannered Clark Kent into SuperAsshole, Emperor Anus. And there will be no pulling punches here. Vehicle makes and models and license plates will be mentioned and drivers and passengers described whenever possible. If you can afford to be an asshole, you can afford to have your identity plastered on the Internet for all to see. Click on the camera icon to see pictures when available.
RATINGS KEY:
Asshole wannabe - still in diapers Asshole in training - learning to pucker Asshole graduate - vicious young pucker King of Assholes - treacherous old pucker SuperAsshole!!! - tightest sphincter of them all SPECIAL DESIGNATIONS:
Special "Maximum Pucker" award for gross negligence at the wheel Special "Weeping Hemorrhoid" award for blatant disregard for the law Special "Crunchy Dingleberry" award for remarkably shameless foolishness Special "Distended Sphincter" award for specifically offensive behaviour
THE DIARY
in reverse chronological order
General Complaints and
Practical Solutions in Everyday Driving
Signalling...
Your turn signal is supposed to be a caution to nearby motorists of your intention to change lanes. In practice, it is a signal for the motorist behind you in the adjacent lane to stomp on the accelerator and block your lane change so that your need to change lanes doesn't cost him or her that precious 1 second[1] that will make the obvious difference between their life and death (how dare you!).
Change lanes anyway. Few aggressive assholes actually have the balls to close the gap enough to lock you out completely - about 15' or so. And if the asshole hits you in the back afterward, it's legally his fault! Make sure your car is towed and you check your neck and spine at the hospital. Sue his ass off! Sue his mother for rearing a defective child! Sue! Sue! SUE! Do be careful not sideswipe the asshole, and not to tag the motorist that you're squeezing in behind.
Lane Choice...
This seems to be a problem endemic to the United States and crowded city regions in particular. The left lane is for passing, but something seems to get lost in the translation. Maybe it has to do with not needing to be able to read English to get a drivers license in the U.S. I don't know. The result is that the left lane is full of distracted slow-paced motorists on cellular phones and eating Big Macs, while the right lanes are dangerously traversed by frustrated people trying to find the limits of their vehicle's speed and handling on their way to work or the detox center or whatever.
If you're in the left lane and everyone is passing you on the right, move over dammit! This is not rocket science - you should not have to buy a vowel to figure this out. Conversely, the hurried masses seem to have this self- righteous indignance about posession of the left lane. Just remember that when an equally self-righteous motorist is in front of you and you act like an asshole by tailgating, it'll be your fault when he gets indignant and hits his brakes and you rear-end him.
Horn Use...
Your vehicle's horn is supposed to be used to warn people of immediate life- or property- threatening danger. It says so right there in the drivers manual, and that document is available in every language including braille so there are no excuses. Your horn is not to caution others that you're about to be a dangerous asshole because the traffic in front of you is not moving as fast as you would like. Nor is your horn button meant to be beat upon like an angry infant hammering the bleating rubber squeaky horn of a Fisher-Price automobile dashboard. Get a life.
If some other asshole is incognizant of your presence and you need him or her to move, a quick tap or two on the horn will get their attention. Your horn is not a magical device that can alter the space-time continuum. Leaning on it will only earn you indignance from your fellow motorists. Don't be surprised when they slow down and block your path. And don't be surprised when your car gets pelted by eggs, used rubbers, spoilt spam or whatever else nearby apartment dwellers can hastily lob from their windows.
SUV's...
SUV's or "sport utility vehicles" are becoming more and more common. People who passed their driving test in a Toyota Tercel can get behind the wheel of a Lincoln Navigator with the only question asked being "will that be cash or credit card?". This leads to a whole new category of drivers that used to be easily identifiable (and thus avoidable) because their vehicles were big and yellow and said "RYDER" on the side. These people think that "4WD" means "invincible", don't give a thought to its inferior handling, and don't realize that you can't "touch-park" against nearby cars when your bumper height is mis-matched by two feet.
SUV's are to be avoided in traffic with the same care that you use around rental trucks, any taxicab, women driving Mercedes', vehicles with diplomatic plates. Any self- respecting redneck (read: good drivers) will be driving a pre-1990 Blazer or similar and you can safely lump 90% of the other SUV drivers into the asshole category. Generally there's an inverse relationship between vehicle size or price and driver skill, so treat Navigators and Suburbans with extra care. Feel free to laugh hysterically at Suzukis but if you drag race them, stay on the inside of any curves.
With SUV's, the danger does not stop once you're out of traffic. Parking anything near an SUV is taking a gamble with your vehicle and your odds are better at the craps table. If the only parking space available is next to an SUV, take down the license plate info before you leave your vehicle. If you come back to hundreds or thousands of dollars worth of broken lamps, bent hood, trunk or quarter panel, you can track the asshole down for five dollars through your insurance broker or sheiste, er, lawyer. Allstate may fix the damage and most body shops know how to eat the deductible by overcharging, but that won't give you the personal satisfaction of torching the assholes SUV (hypothetical example of course - ahem - you should never consider doing anything illegal).
Pedestrians...
Assholes do not have to be limited to motorists. Mayor Giuliani was roasted as a fascist for a number of things including attempts to control pedestrian traffic in New York City. While the absurdity of such an endeavor does not necessarily imply that Rudy isn't a fascist, it does underscore the fact that pedestrian death tolls are rising because pedestrians are getting bolder and more foolish by the moment.
"The pedestrian is always right" is not a maxim; it is an epitaph. To cross against the light or walk in the street in one of the most densely populated cities in the world is STUPID. To do so without looking for and expecting oncoming traffic is SUICIDE. Most asshole pedestrians know enough to quicken their stride when they hear the engines gunning for them, but many are indignant. That's OK though - it only means that modern society has managed to coddle them past dangers that should probably have killed them long ago. Eventually they'll face some hapless motorist in a hurry and the gene pool will be refined a degree further.
Taxicabs...
Taxicabs I believe represent a uniquely grave threat in New York City. Most are driving for fleets, whose pay structure is roughly equivalent to slavery[2]. This enormous pressure to make less money than a part-time job at White Castle leads to vicious driving habits that in spite of mostly good technical skill at the wheel (by necessity if nothing else), are extraordinarily callous and dangerous. Even private taxicab owners are forced to behave like animals behind the wheel to compete for business in the bustling streets of Manhattan. Speeding, tailgating, triple lane changes, illegal U-turns, turning corners from the wrong lanes, cutting off traffic, picking up fares illegally and blocking traffic are just a few examples of typical NYC taxicab driving.
Fortunately, there are countermeasures for even the most formidable threats. In NYC it's called the Taxi and Limousine Commission. In a strange devil's-advocate fashion, the TLC proves that justice is only a concept. If some cabbie pisses you off, you get his tag number and hopefully his TLC license ID number. Make careful notes of date, time, location, his/her appearance, and appearance of the fare if any. You file a complaint by phone to the TLC and they make a court date. Court is just a dingy office near Times Square, and it's administrative law which means that a defendant's constitutional rights are confiscated at the door. You as the complainant show up with your allegations well-rehearsed, and the cabbie shows up with his phony logs that prove he was in Haiti at the time, etc., and the judge pretty much automatically finds against the cabbie because they assume that if you were willing to spend the time off from your important job in some dark, musty midtown office for an hour, that there must be some validity to your complaint. What a country!
Law Enforcement...
Assholes don't even have to be limited to ordinary citizens. You need look no further than the nearest police precinct to find dozens of prime grade-A assholes all in one handy place. Unfortunately they venture out of their precinct houses routinely and most of them drive when they do so. This means that whether they're rushing to an armed robbery in progress or to Krispy Kreme [*], you're just as likely to see them violate all the traffic rules and regulations that they are sworn to enforce with the zeal of a skinhead at a Hitler Youth march. Traffic Enforcement agents ignore their own laws just as frequently and you should find that very frightening since they don't have the benefit of pursuit driving lessons the way regular law enforcement officers do.
Don't be lured! Don't follow them through the red lights, and when someone is driving up your butt in the left lane of a highway, check to make sure it's not an unmarked patrol car hoping to bait you into speeding. Better yet, when you see this behavior and particularly when there's no obvious reason for it (emergency lights off, etc.), file a complaint with the CCRB. The CCRB is the Civilian Complaint Review Board. These days the CCRB is mostly hobbled by Herr Giuliani, but don't be discouraged! When the cop finally gets into an accident and someone starts a law suit against the cop and the city, all those complaints will be on record and will help the accident victim's case immensely.
Regular cops are just part of the picture. Traffic Enforcement Agency "officers" (formerly known as "brownies") can be assholes too, but only uphold administrative law. Don't make the mistake of trying to argue civil or criminal law with these assholes. They have less education and less promise than the average homeless person. And remember that in administrative court, the constitution is banned from mention and you are guilty until proven innocent. Luckily for you as a citizen, the scales aren't tipped totally in the city's favor because TEA officers, being one of the lowest forms of arguably human life, are rarely able to correctly fill out a summons (in the case of parking) or coherently state their supporting depositions (in the case of a moving violation), even when reading their own handwriting. If one of these assholes does manage to nail you, fight it. Even if you lose, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you cost the system your money's worth.
Footnotes
[1] If you actually follow the rule to leave a car length for every 10 MPH between your vehicle and the vehicle in front of you (please stop laughing), letting a vehicle in front of you who follows the same rule will delay arrival to your destination by approximately 1 second. If you factor in typical city traffic light timing and do a little statistical wizardry, the chance of you enduring any delay at all is about one in ten and if you are delayed, the average delay works out to be about three seconds. Big deal. [back]
[2] NYC Taxi medallions cost as much as a metro area house on 1 acre with a 3-car garage, so most of them are owned by large fleet owners, who "rent" out their cabs on a daily basis. You can wait 4 hours with your thumb up your butt just to rent one of these cabs, and then drive it eight hours just to make back what you put out for the rental. If you work hard and drive more hours than is even legal to log, you might bring home $50 a day. If you don't make it to the fleet office early enough, you might not even get the rental, which means you end up with the wetbacks waiting for a pickup truck to take you to a construction job, and that's if you're lucky. [back]
