God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you
prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death
Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify):
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yoweh
__ Father, Son
& Holy Ghost (Three-in-one special offer)
__ Jehova
__ Buddah
__ Allah
__ Jesus
__ Satan
__ None of the above, I
was taken in by a false god
3. Did you experience any problems on initial receipt of your God? Please check all
that apply.
__ Damage
__ Missing attributes
__ Fallen halo
__ Calls not returned
__ Contradictory
teachings
__ Poor Youth Group
__ Packaging faults
__ Mass suicide clause
__ No, my God arrived
undamaged.
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all
that apply.
__
Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated
by society
__ Imaginary friend
grew up
__ Wanted to meet
girls/boys
__ Wanted to annoy
people
__ Desperate
need for certainty
__ Need to feel
Morally Superior
__ Needed a reason to
live
__ Needed focus in who
to despise
__ Hate to think for
myself
__ Fear of death
__ Needed a day away
from work
__ Like Organ Music
__ The ointment
stopped working
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please
check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ Money
__ The United States
of America
__ Teletubbies
__ Father Christmas
__ Tony Blair
__ Lager
__ Other: (specify)
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please
check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic
Friends Network
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Biorhythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering
around a desert
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Eileen Drewery
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or
Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs
and Rock and Roll
__ Tony Blair
__ EST
__ Richard Branson
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Insurance
policies
__ Teletubbies
__ None
__ Other: (Specify)
7. Have you experienced any of the following since you received your God? Please
check all that apply.
__ Immaculate
conception
__ Incresed crop yield
__ Blindness
__ A taste for
communion wine
__ Interesting
conversation
__ A desire to
dress in frocks
__ Boils
__ Hatred for
neighbouring populations
__ The Vicar's daughter
8. How do you communicate with your God? Please check all that apply.
__ Visionary dreams
__ Psychoactive drugs
__ Self flagellation
__ Voices in the head
__ Removing Chicken's
Heads
__ Holy writings
__ Telephone
__ Internet
9. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level
of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (select one)
__ More Divine Intervention
__ Less Divine Intervention
__ Current level of
Divine Intervention is just right
__ Don't know... what's
Divine Intervention?
10. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please
rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
Flood 12345
Famine 12345
Earthquake 12345
War 12345
Pestilence 12345
Plague 12345
SPAM 12345
Australia 12345
Manchester United 12345
Arsenal winning double 12345
The Internet 12345
b. Miracles
Rescues 12345
Spontaneous remissions 12345
Stars hovering over towns 12345
Crying statues 12345
Water changing to wine 12345
Walking on water 12345
Talking flaming shrubbery 12345
VCRs that set their own clocks 12345
Saddam Hussein still alive 12345
England winning at cricket 12345
Anyone fancying Clinton that much 12345
11. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of
God's services?
12. Enter your
name and e-mail address. (Optional)
Thank you for completing this
questionnaire. Press the [Submit] button to file your comments and enter our
special prize drawing. You can win a free blessing, or a waking vision, or a new path in
life!
