42 Ways to Get Electric Power From Hamsters
- Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for
higher voltage. -gwh
- Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static electricity.
- Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
- Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
- Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
- Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other
anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
- Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
- Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude
oil at same location to run electric turbine.
- Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. -seano
- Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. -seano
- Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine
halfway down cliff.
- Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
- Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated
electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
- Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable
time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
- Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for
- Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
- Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
- Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be
enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
- Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach
negative leads to the ceiling. -gwh
- Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
- Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las
Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights,
hotels, etc. -gwh
- Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink
and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy. -gwh
- Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless
he gives you a power plant. -gwh
- Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
- (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with
an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy
release for power....
- Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth
Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters
into theatre. -gwh
- a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into
hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d.
Surgically install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the voltage.
Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. -- P.S. How could I have been so blind?
Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the
hamsters! (Well, maybe some posphorous and iron and stuff)
- Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
- Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing
hamster as power source.
- Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the
- Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the
atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you
- Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use
the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine
- Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin
hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation to electricity. - seano
- Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova... you
couldn't want any more energy than that...
- Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around
each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
- Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_
electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however
you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or
six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_
hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of
German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards;
and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
- Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
- Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses.
Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
- Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine
the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as
per #38 above. -ERic
- Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy. -Eric
- It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under
the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators:
the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation
both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from
mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the
hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan.
- Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his
furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.