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RULES OF THIS HOUSE
- The husband shall always be referred to by the wife in
proper tones of humility and gratitude as "Absolute
Ruler." He shall never be proffered edibles which
offend his palate. Wife is to be struck once for each
minute a meal is late.
- Wife must so schedule all scrubbing, baby-whacking,
woodchopping, grass-cutting, and storm window removal so
that evenings and weekends are left free for entertaining
and amusing the Absolute Ruler.
- Children are under the authoriuty of allwise Absolute
Ruler, but the wife will subdue the little monsters in
the event the Absolute Ruler is sleeping, eating,
reading, drinking, watching T.V. or oiling firearms.
- No explanation will be made by the Absolute Ruler for any
lateness or absence (up to thirty days) from his house.
Wife to be prepared to serve dinner, on telephone notice,
to friends or clients of Absolute Ruler. Said friends
never to be designated by the wife as "them
bums."
- The "frau" must not be frowzy. Hair curlers and
wrapper strictly prohibited at breakfast. Wifely tantrums
to be behind locked doors, and alone. If
tears-on-the-shoulder vital to dissipate tension,
shoulder must be that of an obliging neighbor, female.
- Wife shall never comment concerning alleged superiority
of so-called "model husbands," be they from the
neighborhood, or on the moon. She shall convincingly
praise accomplishments and judgement of Absolute Ruler
with no indication of pain caused by Absolute Ruler's
twisting of her arm.
- Total attention and unbroken silence will prevail while
the Absolute Ruler: (a) tells a joke, (b) discusses
politics, (c) generously consents to point out some of
the wife's shortcomings. The wife will never telephone
the Absolute Ruler when he is teaching the science of
poker, and will call him at the office only if his
personal possessions are threatened by fire or flood.
- The wife shall applaud hobby interests of the Absolute
Ruler and never suggest accompanying him on hunting or
fishing trips. She shall recognize his sovereign right to
indulge in girl-watching and rejoice in that certain
gleam in his eye, knowing that should it fail to flame in
response to a strange female, her own charms will stir
not a tremor, but a chill.
- In the interest of fairness, Absolute Ruler generously
allows the wife to submit three grievances each month to
him, each grievance to be written on a separate slip of
paper, folded lengthwise and twisted firmly. Twisted
strips to be left in close proximity to the fireplace.
- The wife joins the Absolute Ruler in condemning
"Togetherness" as subversive and each rejoices
that male is different from female. each affirms that
this apartness creates a delicious biological attraction,
which does and will forever, Amen, make marriage as
challenging and as threatening as a ten-gallon martini.
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