HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops
or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor
of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you
keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in
_there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you
got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw
them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a
set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft
pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground
straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery
to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found
under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by
someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
